Moving Forward

“I’m just moving on. It’s their loss.”

How many times have you heard this regarding a situation where there has been a broken relationship? Maybe even a bad situation where everyone lost, there was no clear winner. Maybe you have even spoken these same words.

I have found myself saying them a lot lately as I learn to navigate this new life I have. Life after loss.

That is, until I began a journey of forgiveness.

I began to read this book “Forgiving What You Can’t Seem to Forget,” by Lisa TerKeurst. No, this is not a paid advertisement for the book although I do recommend for anyone that has been through significant trauma. The book also has a companion journal that you fill out as you read the book.

Mind you, I had already listened to the audion version of the book before I even had this situation happen. In fact, I was finishing listening to the audio version right before everything happened. I found myself in a position of needing to forgive.

I needed to forgive others, but more importantly, I needed to forgive myself.

I am going through the book with some trusted friends. Going through the process of learning how to heal from our own traumas together, offering support to each other. I highly recommend having a support group, people who will listen to you without judgment and help you navigate your pain as you try to make sense of it all.

We’ve only read the introduction and the first two chapters so far, but there has been so much good stuff that has been said. I have felt as if the author peeked into my heart and mind, transcribing my thoughts onto the pages.

For example: I learned that using the phrase “I’m just going to move on,” is a coping mechanism. It’s what we use to avoid confronting what is happening inside of us. The messy emotions, the dark thoughts, the guilt and shame we carry but never talk about.

I was a little shocked to find that my go-to phrase was not actually working for me. That instead being elevated beyond pain I was avoiding it.

What?

The more I read, the more it made sense. It’s why I have years of things to unpack, things to heal from.

I have spent most of my life avoiding the things that have happened to me and how they made me feel.

Instead of moving on, I was simply stunting myself. Creating an emotional dwarf inside of me. Physically, I aged, but mentally and emotionally, I was a toddler.

I had become a professional at hiding how I was doing on the inside. On the oustide I was cool, calm and collected. On the inside was a little girl version of me that didn’t know how to handle everything that ever happened to her. She just wanted to feel safe again.

I wanted to feel safe and loved and whole again.

Now what?

If saying “I’m just moving on” is a coping mechanism, then what was I supposed to do?

I learned that instead of simply moving on, I need to MOVE FORWARD.

What does that look like?

Doing the hard work of sitting down and processing what happened, understanding how it made me feel. Give myself room to grieve properly. Unload the burden of shame and guilt. Stop assuming the blame for everything that happened to or around me like it was my fault.

It’s not always my fault, but it is my fight.

It’s my fight to move forward.

To no longer bury what I am feeling or thinking, to give myself space and grace to exist. To stop trying to take care of everyone else and neglecting my own needs.

Now, I am moving forward.